|
ScoobysChick19
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Lydia
Birthday: 8/19/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: Running, Singing, Art, Scooby-Doo, Ice Cream, Swinging on my swing, Hebrew, General Hospital, Denzel Washington, The Atlanta Braves, The fundamental questions of life, Lindt Lindor Truffles, Snow, Exotic lands.... (if you desire to know more, inquire)
Expertise: Constructing dreamlike scenerios
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  ScoobysChick19
Member Since:
2/13/2004
|
|
| This past Sunday was the first anniversary of Ben's death. There is a prayer requests board across from the sinks in our bathroom and I've thought many times in the past several days about writing something there. I haven't yet. Maybe I still will. I know this is a difficult time for many people and I sincerely wish for God's comfort to be with us all.
Three weeks ago I began my studies at Princeton Theological Seminary. It's been a difficult transition in some ways and will probably continue to be so for a little while longer, but I feel as if I am moving in a good direction. I am not sure if I'd be here now had it not been for Ben's death and my subsequent reflection on his life.
| | |
| Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair
Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new look upon me
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair
And now i'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unready
Oh i'm never really ready, i'm never really ready
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
--John Mayer
| | |
| So I did something really stupid a while ago.
I took off work one day and brought my sweet lil' Macbook to the ATS library with me to do some essay writing. They have this silly (or in retrospect maybe not so silly) rule over there about eating and drinking, i.e. don't do it, but I decided that there was no way I was leaving my fresh D&D coffee with cream and sugar behind in the cold Red Bomb. Since my baby Applette's carrying contraption actually had much more room than she needed, I decided to safely sit my cup in one of the bag's multiple compartments, slowly walk into the library, find a cubicle and sip away. I spun the situation forward in my mind and it seemed to progress without potential obstruction so I actualized the plan.
As I approached a secluded desk in the library I happened to glance down at my left Ugg boot. Smack dab in the middle were three droplets. I frowned inquisitively. As reason began to kick in I grasped my bag gently, opened it up and pulled out a half-empty cup. At this point I could almost hear my little angel crying, "I'm drowning, I'm drowning!" I pulled her out and peered into the bottom of the bag to see a hellish pool of light brown liquid. I turned my baby over and watched as the streams ran down her back and side. I scrambled to soak them up with the few napkins I could find and once I had finished I tried to turn her on. She seemed fine but there was a black X covering the battery on the top right of the screen, indicating that the computer did not recognize the battery. I took out the battery, sopped up whatever liquid I could and let her dry out for a while but it didn't help.
After several weeks nothing has changed. I even bought another battery but that didn't work. My Macbook can't charge a battery. Without the power adaptor she can't survive. I've been getting along with her sick self for a while now, mostly because I am dreading taking her to the Genius Bar to find out what exorbitant amount of money it's going to cost to get her well again. I know sooner or later I'm going to have to take her; right now she's drained of her fiery spirit and it makes me sad. Please say a prayer for my Applette! | | |
| Well, I've begun the application process. It's scary especially because I don't have much time, but I'd rather be scared of being exposed for the idiot I am than trapped in a rut. It's a big step for me and I'm proud of myself, no matter the outcome.
Here's to PTS.
| | |
| In the past few days I've been craving a constant connection with Ben so I've been reading lots of blogs and facebook notes along with the accumulating newspaper articles. I even sent out a mass e-mail to my dear friends with whom I studied in Egypt telling them about Ben and asking that they pray for his family and friends. Every word I've read has filled me with more joy and admiration for the breadth of lives Ben touched in so brief a time while simultaneously thrusting an anvil of grief upon my head at the continuing realization that many a heart is bleeding for his loss.
Like many of you, I have gone through stages in my grieving process. A large part of me is still unable to grasp the concept that he is no longer a part of this world, and in most moments that is the part of me that takes over. This state doesn't allow me to feel pain or happiness. Today on my lunch break I went outside to play catch with Vlady and couldn't help but notice that the weather was a direct reflection of my emotional state: humid, stagnant air, dreary grey sky, neither hot nor cold in temperature. I am not partial to this state; in fact, in the past 6 hours I've experienced a desperate urge to break out of its swampy muck.
I went to Rockland Lake after work for my 3 mile run. It was beautiful. There was a cool chill in the air and the sun was setting above the trees, sending pink and orange hues down to be reflected off the glass-like lake. I experienced a peace that I hadn't felt as I thought about Ben and his eye for beauty. I felt hopeful in the thought that this traumatic event will forever change the way I look at life. How fitting that a man who on more than one occasion inspired hope within my life while on earth is continuing to do so even after his time here is over.
When I returned home, I prepared dinner and I ate. Then I called Takunda. I cried. I cried more. It felt really awful and really wonderful. I cried out of gratitude to Ben for appreciating me the way he did and then I cried out of regret for not being a better friend when I had the chance. Lastly I cried out of anger. I understand that things like this happen, but come on, it's Ben. The world needs him here. My friends need him here. I need him here.
So another day looms on the doorstep. Who knows what it shall bring? | | |
|
